AGONY. I need a kitten


Trying to Understand

I need

to feel beautiful without it meaning “this is an invitation”

I need to feel safe

without feeling pressure

Safety, without “have to”

My choice

And space

Two magic things


After abuse, your soul feels all painful and crinkled, like it would hurt to the touch. Guys in college looking you up and down. A classmate trying to use manipulation and social games to get what he wanted. And he certainly did not want you for you; he wanted himself, and what he wanted. Multiple guy friends hovering, hovering, hovering. It was all about them. They didn’t even think about me, and what I needed.

Then there was the Christian man I decided to trust. He knew how to pressure to get what he wanted. It’s not about you. It’s about him getting what he wants. And whatever he wants, he will use to try to push you to do more. All the while, you think he must be acting in a loving way. It’s not until he’s yelling at you for leaving after he almost hit you, that you realize you were lied to. By then? You feel ruined. Shame. Guilt. And “Who would want me now?” That’s what our Christian culture teaches us, right? Our worth is in that. I think Jesus would have a thing or two to say about that stupidity.

And I’m trying to explain, and it’s so hard. I can’t get the words just right. I’m drawing road maps I can’t even explain. But maybe the Holy Spirit can explain better.

I’m still working on feeling safe. I never had counselors, really. A friend or two, and one session (that was mostly Biblical, but not entirely). I’ve just tried to figure all this out on my own. I’m just now starting to heal. And to trust again.

Prayer. Prayer is needed.


You know what the best part of my day is? Getting to come home and write letters to you. I’m finally comfortable, have some food in me, have a heating pad on my back (could use prayer. Slight injury), and my feet are not in shoes (I hate shoes).

What a day. I do love this job though. This was neat, and really lifted my spirits: So, the gal training me said I’m doing better on my second day than people who have been doing this job for thirty years. And she’s the sort who doesn’t mince words. It’s a really good place for me, honestly. I’m still trying to not get lost in the maze downstairs though. I went outside for my afternoon break, and I got lost, and couldn’t figure out which door I’d come out of. (Did I mention my embarrassing lack of sense of direction?).

Dance class was somewhat chaotic, but that’s fairly normal. Adding in a new student always changes things up too. The girls have fun though, and I (mostly) stay sane. So, that’s that.

Did you see all the Easter stuff in the stores? I like the little outfits the best. The tiny fairy dresses are always so cute. I need to figure out which dress I’m wearing for Easter. Maybe I can start dressing up more. I do like springtime.

You’re sweet. Did you know that? I sort of calm down when I’m around you.

This is sort of weird, but: thanks for letting me be my age. I thought about it early on, and felt like I was miles ahead down a road. But it doesn’t feel that far, now that I’m back at my home church. And you’re accepting all my stories, along with me, so that means a lot. I was afraid of that for a lot of years, honestly. I’m trying to let you be your age too (though most of the time you act my age). I like God’s methods. He does crazy stuff that works, and it’s awesome.

Please continue to pray for me at my job. There’s a lot of banter and chatting that goes on, and I’ve gotten to share a lot about Christianity (it helps, with this group, if you actually like to drink beer. And then there’s always the mead story from when I was in Ireland. Yeah… I should tell you that one sometime. I got some food into myself in just the nick of time. Don’t tell your parents. Yet. Maybe I’ll tell them later. Why on earth did you pick me? Never thought a pastor’s kid would be interested in me. I like your family a lot).

I definitely have a major crush on you. Anyways. Dishes in the sink, need to finish laundry, and I need to eat more food. I’ll try to write later, if I have a chance.

Good Morning :)

Good morning 🙂

Just a heads up. There is one main gal I’m talking to about everything. They’re a good family (not the fam with the five kids). I’ve known them for years and trust them. The worst thing a guy can do is make the girl carry difficult stuff on her own (trust me). There were some things I wanted to talk with your mom about, and did; but moms are also moms, and you’re her kid.

One other gal friend other than that, for talking. She’s very trustworthy too. The kind of friend where you both have had each other’s backs for nearly forever.

Thanks :). God was right. It’s all working :).

Hope you have a blessed day. Please pray for my new job.

Also: if you have gal friends you trust who need a brotherly (and I mean that) listening ear, I’m very cool with that.

After Fellowship

That was a really, really nice evening. I love spring. I did well, yeah? Playing soccer with your little bro really helped me out (he needs to show you the spot in the grass where he wiped out. And, despite the story you will hear from him, we were tied when we had to end the game).

Okay. So maybe the other guy friend has a little bit of a crush on me. Sorry. He is helping me feel safe though, and lighten up. I’ll try to change things when I’m feeling more comfortable at your house. Thanks for being kind. And thanks for trusting me.

Did you like the dress I wore? (I did go back to it after digging out soccer clothes from the back of my truck. That was for you. You’re welcome). It’s one of my elf dresses. I love going shopping at the highland games in the summers. Amazingly awesome outfits.

The panic attacks are lessening. Part of it is just feeling safe in your family, since they’re the ones we hang out with. I’m getting there. It’s just a little scary for me. You guys are such a healthy family though. It’s so refreshing, and calming.

And there was no drama. I felt so relaxed.

It’s easier when I’m around you. Can we not talk about hard stories for a long while? I think I’ll know when I’m ready. But it’s going to be a while.

I guess it builds a lot of trust when I can share the painful stories and then you’re still you. The ghosts are starting to go away. It’s taking time, but they are going away.

Bike riding, eh? Didn’t know THAT. Cool. Super cool. I love bike riding. If you can bike thirty miles, you’ll definitely do well backpacking. This is nice. Other guys were like “Backpacking? Definitely not.” Not good fits. I sort of figure you should find out what the other person likes and do activities together. You’re a first, in that regard.

Did you stumble again? Not sure, and I don’t want to assume. If you did, it was easier this time. You were just so distant and withdrawn last time. You have a good heart though. And I know you’re safe.

I’m happy for you two, that you’ve picked a school. I’m still dealing with some stuff emotionally, but I’ll be good. We’ll have to Skype a lot.

I’m not ready to have you on Facebook yet. I’ll know when I’m ready.

I felt really peaceful. That was nice, and thank you.

Oh! And I told my pastor about you. I didn’t use your name, but I told him I was getting to know someone, and that his parents were cool with it. Honestly, that was a huge step for me. God is good. God is so, so, so good.

Rest well. Pray for me? I need to tell you about this job sometime. Pray I’m a light in a dark place. And pray they like me so I don’t have the insecurity of worrying about getting fired.

Maybe I was the one trying to keep from drowning. I’m at the surface now, and the fresh air is nice.

A Theory

This might have been easier if we had more of a friendship foundation first, honestly. I think that’s why I tend to hang out with that other guy friend more (thank you for that, by the way. It’s really helped me). He’s my “safe zone.”

For you, I’m still working on “safe zone” because I know you’re attracted to me, and that usually means “danger alert” from all the ghosts.

That needs prayer, honestly. I’m not sure how to build something where I feel safe. That is why you see me more chatty with other guys than with you. You’re harder, because I like you.


I went to a church, to a homegroup camp-out, to the worship nights for the youth group and college adults. It was summer. Swing dancing. More guy friends than I can count on one hand. Expeditions to places like the Ape Caves, and other random hiking trips. Movie nights and impromptu wars with nerf guns. Days spent playing soccer in the field just off the freeway. Worship music in a dark sanctuary; my time with God. Too much drama. But hey, that’s life.


I had a foot in two worlds. I could never fit in one, and never in the other. I was still the Christian homeschool girl who had been raised in church; clean mouth, sensitive to anything worldly, quick to laugh and not quick to share stories. I was also the girl who had been through hell and walked beside friends who had been through hell. Disconnect.

“Your writings are too personal.” Shadows. I pulled back into the shadows, then. I did not fit in.

After a time, I left.

And now? I am able to sew the patches of my life together into a quilt, and I think it’s all very beautiful. Not something to be ashamed of.

I think that has something to do with you.


Good Stuffs

When I have plenty of money I will…

Go to Hobby Lobby and buy nice stuff for my apartment, so I can actually have some themes.

Go to that tea and chocolate shop downtown and buy as much as I want.

Turn up the heat really, really high in the winter.

Buy tons of Chobani yogurt, whenever I want. And that kombucha drink I like a lot.

Buy those lavender tablets that help me sleep better at night.

Buy some fancy dishes.

Buy a nice lawn chair for the back porch.