A Woman’s Life

I feel like such a multi tasker. I’m doing spring cleaning, which means more than I would like right now (and probably much less than needs to be done. But I’m not into spotless houses). I’m working on my May calendar. I’m working on dance business stuffs. I’m trying to downsize a promo deal so I don’t have to pay as much next month, for a bill. I’m mentally compiling grocery needs and bill due dates and all that fun. I’m working on a book for the middle schoolers, and trying to get that done before graduation.

That’s what I tend to do when I get off work, if it’s not a dance teaching evening. Those evenings I really don’t have much energy left over.

Do you know what else I’m trying to do? Steal your heart. Is it working? Sometimes I worry it’s not, but you can’t run on feelings all the time. Sometimes you just have to trust.

Then there’s always the social nonsense. This has been so complicated and hard, but we’re making it work. I’m doing the best I know how. You have to admit it’s been very challenging. I really hate social stuff. It’s like guiding a boat through a storm.

You stayed through my winter, and now the better season for me is ahead. It’s spring. Summer is coming. I started falling for you this past summer. Well, when I wasn’t busy being confused (you know). It was fall when you really caught my eye, but I needed to be pleasing to God.

I’m trying to steal your heart. But I like it when (I think) we can still be annoyed with each other and be okay. I’m annoyed with you, because I keep thinking you’ve moved on completely. And you’re annoyed with me (perhaps?) for not creating as much space with my guy friends as I should. The distance is hard though; when you’re distant. That’s probably one of the most difficult things for me to walk through. It’s probably the same way when I’m that way too. Serious trust issues, for both of us. I’m trying to not spark bad memories, even though I don’t even know what half of them were. We didn’t exactly spend time in the same social group, so I don’t know much about it. I want so badly for you to know I’m different. Can you see that?

Walking over broken roads is hard, but worth it. I want your heart.

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Spring Lore

I feel so good right now. Moss and grass to sit on, cross legged. Trees overhead. Last year’s dead leaves. Warm breeze. Tree shadows. Daisies. Used to make daisy chains. Squirt gun fights. Church camping trips. Scooters. Sand dollars like frisbees. Maggie Mae was still with us. She could unzip the tent door with her nose.

I forgot what this felt like. The good things. Or strawberries with cream.

Then and Now

High school years. I guess I spent a lot of it with a low opinion of myself. I am too self deprecating. When people feed back into that, it gets pretty bad.

High school. I was very busy. I had community college, which was an adventure and belonged to me. I was doing a lot of theater at church. I played a lot of fiddle. I loved driving. I was doing a lot with dance teaching and competing. I just kept guys out of my life. Hardly anyone was dating anyways. The only guys I didn’t give a cold shoulder to were my gal friends’ brothers and my scout brothers (from my brother’s troop). I had one sort of interest at church, I guess. Finished that at age sixteen.

I’m more an observer. So I watched other relationships. I hadn’t had a guy as a friend since I was little. First guy friend was at eighteen. He sought me out and was very chatty. My parents should have done something when he started saying awful stuff to me. Or stood up to his family for me. That’s when I started to heavily pull away from my family. It just continued that way over the years. I got hurt very badly emotionally. Wrecked. Believed a lot of lies about myself.

I was very young for a high schooler. Very thoughtful and old, in some ways; but also incredibly young. I feel now I’m the adult. You’re different. You’re more my age now. Sometimes you’re your age, but not a lot.

I guess I’m a loner unless I have good friends. I only have a few really close gal friends now, and that’s okay. Those other groups over the last five or so years? I just didn’t fit in. Most of the time they sort of throw me out anyways.

I fit in at calvary. It’s home. We’re like-minded.

Do you have any idea how much respect I have for you? I’ve been around a lot of guys. You stand out, in a good way.

Unique.

Past friendship gone

I hate it when

He acts like my boyfriend

I just needed a friend, and some help

Like I told him

A brother

 

It’s easier when

I believe he’s just chatting like old times

Without expecting me to change my mind

To him

 

I hated that weekend

Like my mind could be changed

And I felt like a joke

Instead of someone to be treated

Well

I did treat him well

And now I just want space

 

That’s how I feel

About him

Thank You for Being You

Writing is like safely snuggling. Or a shoulder, when you need it.

I bet you give good hugs. You’re a good brother to your younger sister. Hugs are nice.

And you’re sincere.

I don’t know how to be there for you though. The stories. Likely it will be me the one crying. Questions. But it will be okay, even if there’s a lot to the story. God and I talk a lot.

I like that memory, when that other couple’s baby wrapped his fingers around your finger. I felt safe. It was a good feeling.

You’re sweet.

Smiling Ghosts

He was the reason I have a hard time talking with you at my home church. It was between college years, though he’d tried to be friendly the summer before, and I think he tried to sit next to me in high school (though I honestly don’t remember much about high school except that most of the boys were big on roughhousing each other, and some of my gal friends thought that was really immature).

I had moved on. I hadn’t started being friendly back until I was sure about that. That seemed the right thing to do.

I didn’t think it was a good idea. It was more his dad’s idea. I hate it when parents do that.

Then he was chatting with another girl. I guess we all have the right to do whatever we want, but that seemed messed up to me.

I didn’t talk to him after that. Left my church for a while.

Too many broken things. Trust issues. Blah. Not precious. Just another thing to feed off of.

Prayer

My washing machine stinks because I washed a cat blanket, and getting it back to normal is really hard.

My back hurts really bad.

Money stuffs.

I have two more projects I have to get done and all I want is to read a book.

I’m hungry.

I feel like God is crazy.

I am discouraged.

Dance class was really hard.

Good things:

Sunlight, trees, staring up at the blue sky.

Food in fridge. Plenty, though no real variety.

Cats.

Ice packs.

A full time job.

A few minutes to read.

Rest.

Day almost done.

God always keep His promises.

Chocolate.