For Who I Am

Church ladies smile

At work

“So glad to have another Christian down here!”

Big smile

I smile back faintly


I go out with the gals on break

Who smoke in the sunshine

and talk about life

Real stuff, I guess


These are the ones

Who praise me to my boss

Say, “We’re a team”

And mean it


The good crowd?



Big smile


Gotten hurt too many times

by church ladies



Could you talk to your best friend about being a wingman? That would relieve a lot of my stress, because I’ve been struggling a lot this whole time about feeling like I’ve caused problems between you two, and that’s hard on me. I want the three of us to get along, since you two are fairly inseparable.

That would be a huge blessing to me.

Good Things

You have a very loving family. It’s fun to hear your dad speak, because your speech mannerisms are very similar to his. Your mom is being kind as well. I know I can be snickety.

I’m not sure why you picked me, but I’m thankful you did. We’re so different, but I like you a lot.

Rainy night. I like these a lot. I like the sound of the rain.

Would you give me your cell number sometime so we can have phone conversations? I think I’m ready for that. I did come upstairs briefly this evening too (getting a thing left by a mom. Youth leader stuff). I’m very proud of myself.

Two years feels like a long time, but I bet it will go by quickly. I’m running on faith and nothing else, and I feel very sure of myself (when I’m not looking at statistics of job and sanity, and trying not to panic). I trust God though. He’s never ever let me down.

Thanks for all the kindness.


Down by the lake now. It’s been a beautiful evening for a walk. Good for the soul.

Papa (grandpa) would have loved you. I miss him a lot. Last goodbye was at Tahoe. That was just before I left for WWU. That one piece I wrote about the memorial up in the mountains? That was written in my dorm room. He’d died that summer.

I put wildflowers in a small Bible I used to keep in my purse.

That was an awful summer.

It’s nice feeling safe and cared about. That guy friend from that time in my life was so abusive.

You’re tuned in and sweet and selfless and sincere. I’m very, very thankful for you. Thank you.

Trying to Understand

I need

to feel beautiful without it meaning “this is an invitation”

I need to feel safe

without feeling pressure

Safety, without “have to”

My choice

And space

Two magic things


After abuse, your soul feels all painful and crinkled, like it would hurt to the touch. Guys in college looking you up and down. A classmate trying to use manipulation and social games to get what he wanted. And he certainly did not want you for you; he wanted himself, and what he wanted. Multiple guy friends hovering, hovering, hovering. It was all about them. They didn’t even think about me, and what I needed.

Then there was the Christian man I decided to trust. He knew how to pressure to get what he wanted. It’s not about you. It’s about him getting what he wants. And whatever he wants, he will use to try to push you to do more. All the while, you think he must be acting in a loving way. It’s not until he’s yelling at you for leaving after he almost hit you, that you realize you were lied to. By then? You feel ruined. Shame. Guilt. And “Who would want me now?” That’s what our Christian culture teaches us, right? Our worth is in that. I think Jesus would have a thing or two to say about that stupidity.

And I’m trying to explain, and it’s so hard. I can’t get the words just right. I’m drawing road maps I can’t even explain. But maybe the Holy Spirit can explain better.

I’m still working on feeling safe. I never had counselors, really. A friend or two, and one session (that was mostly Biblical, but not entirely). I’ve just tried to figure all this out on my own. I’m just now starting to heal. And to trust again.

Prayer. Prayer is needed.


You know what the best part of my day is? Getting to come home and write letters to you. I’m finally comfortable, have some food in me, have a heating pad on my back (could use prayer. Slight injury), and my feet are not in shoes (I hate shoes).

What a day. I do love this job though. This was neat, and really lifted my spirits: So, the gal training me said I’m doing better on my second day than people who have been doing this job for thirty years. And she’s the sort who doesn’t mince words. It’s a really good place for me, honestly. I’m still trying to not get lost in the maze downstairs though. I went outside for my afternoon break, and I got lost, and couldn’t figure out which door I’d come out of. (Did I mention my embarrassing lack of sense of direction?).

Dance class was somewhat chaotic, but that’s fairly normal. Adding in a new student always changes things up too. The girls have fun though, and I (mostly) stay sane. So, that’s that.

Did you see all the Easter stuff in the stores? I like the little outfits the best. The tiny fairy dresses are always so cute. I need to figure out which dress I’m wearing for Easter. Maybe I can start dressing up more. I do like springtime.

You’re sweet. Did you know that? I sort of calm down when I’m around you.

This is sort of weird, but: thanks for letting me be my age. I thought about it early on, and felt like I was miles ahead down a road. But it doesn’t feel that far, now that I’m back at my home church. And you’re accepting all my stories, along with me, so that means a lot. I was afraid of that for a lot of years, honestly. I’m trying to let you be your age too (though most of the time you act my age). I like God’s methods. He does crazy stuff that works, and it’s awesome.

Please continue to pray for me at my job. There’s a lot of banter and chatting that goes on, and I’ve gotten to share a lot about Christianity (it helps, with this group, if you actually like to drink beer. And then there’s always the mead story from when I was in Ireland. Yeah… I should tell you that one sometime. I got some food into myself in just the nick of time. Don’t tell your parents. Yet. Maybe I’ll tell them later. Why on earth did you pick me? Never thought a pastor’s kid would be interested in me. I like your family a lot).

I definitely have a major crush on you. Anyways. Dishes in the sink, need to finish laundry, and I need to eat more food. I’ll try to write later, if I have a chance.

Good Morning :)

Good morning 🙂

Just a heads up. There is one main gal I’m talking to about everything. They’re a good family (not the fam with the five kids). I’ve known them for years and trust them. The worst thing a guy can do is make the girl carry difficult stuff on her own (trust me). There were some things I wanted to talk with your mom about, and did; but moms are also moms, and you’re her kid.

One other gal friend other than that, for talking. She’s very trustworthy too. The kind of friend where you both have had each other’s backs for nearly forever.

Thanks :). God was right. It’s all working :).

Hope you have a blessed day. Please pray for my new job.

Also: if you have gal friends you trust who need a brotherly (and I mean that) listening ear, I’m very cool with that.