Thinking of You

I can’t stop thinking about you.

God does restore the years the locusts destroy though. That is hope.

Because of the emotional abuse, I had bad dreams. A castle, and I couldn’t leave, and I got hurt. This is what it felt like emotionally. But people really live through that.

I always wanted someone to bust down the door and carry me away. They’d take me somewhere safe, and they’d take care of me. And they’d still want me, even after what the man in the castle had done to me.

And now? I’m not the one being rescued, so much as I get a chance to join in the rescue. I can’t go back in time though. I just get a chance to help write the future.

That’s not what it should be like. The abuse and destruction.

Kisses should be sweet. To bless, and not use as a object.

It should be a gift, not something taken by force or manipulation.

It should never be pain.

It should not be fear, or confusion, or crying.

I was shielded, in some ways. This pleases me, because of the gift to give. There was one before me that he wasn’t kind to. He used her, without removing clothes, I guess. Used her all over the house. It was very wrong. I realized, after I got away from him, he wanted to try the same with me. I was an object. I chose to kiss because of the words he used, and because I believed him when he said we were heading in our relationship toward marriage. I am thankful I had a no, and that he wasn’t stronger than me to force a “yes.” The real danger was the erosion. I just knew that I would never wear immodest summer clothes. I’d never let him put his hands under my clothes; and that it was wrong, when he tried to touch places. The kissing didn’t feel like a choice. It was an “or else.”

I wish I hadn’t kissed. I think of kissing, and I feel sick. He was one of those who had two different faces, depending on who he was around. His true colors came out a little at a time. The face is the hard part. Like what he looked like when he got up in my face, all forceful, and his hand close to my face, like I’d do what he said or else. It was scary. He scared me really badly.

That was all I needed though, to know I needed to flee. That was God’s protection. Maybe God is protecting us, in the middle of all the awfulness?

I’m glad of a lot of things. I’m thankful you’ve been in a good place all these years. I’m thankful you haven’t had a girl try to undo your standards, and then screw your heart. I think God shields you? As He shielded me.

Kissing isn’t awfulness. It’s a gift, and something sweet.

I think God really watched out for you. It’s like He outmaneuvered the destruction the devil had for you. I already knew you struggled, really early on. I just decided to pay an emotional price and trust God for the rest.

I’m glad God has shielded you. There are varying views on struggles, within the church, and I think God maybe shielded you. Or He could have provided a way, if He willed it. These are just human thoughts trying to think in terms of eternal scale and infinities.

Perhaps I am the naiad child I wrote about. A hundred years is a long time to wait. But not too long.

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Good Evening

I got my major project done today, thank God. It’s been a pretty quiet day. Fire in the fireplace was nice too. And the cats got out on the back porch. I even went outside for a bit, which felt really good. Watched a couple of movies.

Other than that, I didn’t leave the house, and that was grand. Yesterday was a ton of errands. I ate a ton of food today too, which was great. I don’t have an eating disorder; it’s just the stress. I feel like I’m in backpacking mode right now, because I mainly eat for nutrients right now. I do have stomach problems though, from all the college stress, so I have to do “food combining.” It helps. Otherwise, my stomach can hurt really badly. I sort of wrecked my health, honestly. Was worth it though.

Do you have favorite novels? I’m curious: why were you annoyed when they assumed that you liked to read? Was it just because there’s so much more to your personality? Or something else? Will you teach me Latin? I want to teach you Gaelic (and then we can speak a bit in that, and no one will know what we’re talking about, and it will be epic fun). Do you like kayaking? I have all sorts of cool places to show you. There’s all these islands, and old boats, and Cooper Point.

Do you like stargazing? I know nearly all the summer constellations. I can tell a lot of the stories behind them. I do like Greek mythology, even if a lot of it is pretty messed up. Celtic mythology is about the same, but not as bad, in many respects.

I love traveling. That Celtic trip two summers ago was amazing. We went all over the British Isles, and Ireland. I was in second heaven. I talked to a ton of neat people too. I picked up so many books, and so much history. I got to see Roman stuff, Celtic historic places, and a ton of castles. Wales was amazing. I love reading a lot of Lawhead, and I desperately wanted to see Wales. Ireland too. Ireland (Dingle, anyways) was so very beautiful. I just about melted from happiness.

Will you tell me about all the places you’ve traveled to? I bet it’s amazing.

I love Seattle too. Can we go up to Seattle? I have a lot of favorite haunts there. I have a lot of favorite haunts in this area too. They belong to me though. Wraiths can’t own places beloved by elves. These places were my own, ages before the wraiths came. The wraiths came and went, but the places remained mine.

Why do you think God let me go through all that? Was it for the stories I’d have to tell? Or Him helping me grow? Wouldn’t this be easier if I didn’t have scars? Or is it more for His glory? I don’t really understand it. I guess I have memories that need healing too. Or was it so I could connect with you?

Do you like to cook? I do, but sometimes I’m lazy. I like my quiet time. I really, really like that you’re introverted and understand that.

Do you know what one of my favorite places is? The Chetco River. It’s an absolute favorite. And the ocean. I love the ocean.

Was the Grand Canyon cool? I really want to see it sometime. I bet it was breathtaking. You describe things really well. And your heart for God shows.

I hope work goes well tomorrow. I want to do a really good job, and feel secure. There’s a lot to learn. They have their whole set of lingo, and there’s a lot of protocol. I like the people I work with though, and it’s so nice to chat with other women. I haven’t had very many gal friends in a long time, outside of my writers’ group gal friends. You should us talk. My word! We talk about our characters as if they’re real people. All our books are spectacular. It’s really fun. We have tea, and chocolate sometimes, and we chat a lot (outside of talking stories).

Can you pray that life evens out now? I don’t know what “normal” is, but I want to find some rhythm to my life, where I’m healthier. The last seven years have been extremely hard. I feel like God has thrown the kitchen sink at me. But I made it, and did pretty well. I think I like the person I’ve become. I wish I didn’t have anxiety attacks though, or insomnia issues. Will you pray for me? I want my insomnia to go away.

Do my writings make you smile? I hope they do. Then you can have a happy week.

‘Night.

 

Hello

Sometimes I feel like this world is the Wild West, or like Middle Earth. “Those who do not wield a blade can still die upon it. I fear neither death, nor pain.” You got to be smart. Sometimes too smart. This world is neither fair, nor safe. And bad things happen to good people for no good reason, other than the fact that we live in a messed up world.

I guess this is saying a lot, that I’m trusting you this much. I don’t really put much trust in people. Same goes for your family.

You been okay, all this time? I kind of feel like a guy should fight his own battles, in some respects. But I know you’re a bit like me, so I’m hoping to earn your trust. I guess I’ve been trying to look at the big picture too, since we’re all family. I just care about all my guy friends a lot, and I don’t want them to be stupid and tearing out each other’s throats. I almost left fellowship, to keep that from happening, but your mom wanted me to stay. Thank God for that.

I know the retreat might be challenging. I guess just think about it this way: I’m human, but if I’m twenty-six and still “waited” in (what Christians don’t talk about), that’s got to say something about me. If I’m like that, in that sense, how about relationally? Track record. Somehow, I’ve got to learn to trust you around other girls, and somehow, you’ve got to learn to trust me around my brothers. You were very kind at fellowship, though that wasn’t even on my mind. I’m really thankful she joined. It’s nice having a gal friend to talk to. You’re doing well with the road maps I gave you. I was like, “I’ve just given him all the best ways to hurt me. I’m smart.” But I was smart, because you’re not that sort.

These next few months are going to be insane. Dance class time switch, new job, two competitions in February, writers’ group retreat in March. Good gracious. Multitasking. I’m good at multitasking.

I’m still making you wait a month. You’re really good at boundaries though, and reading me. You’re such a blessing to me. You know that other fellow that was all intent? He doesn’t know I saved his hide. I would’ve taken his head off verbally, most likely. I’m actually saving him. It’s rare to have a guy friend who is strong-willed enough, but doesn’t clash with me. I guess God knew what He was doing (go figure).

Do you think I’m brave? I’d love to be called beautiful, but I like “brave” a lot. You know how you said you need praise? I’m in the same boat, especially after the road I’ve walked.

Am I a magnet because my heart is good? Is that it? I think I breathe life into people. Good, out of the overflow of the heart? I’ve been able to breathe life into a lot of people. And the trials are okay. Remember that book for the middle schoolers? I’m hoping that by reading of some of my (kid-friendly) adventures, they’ll be kept safer than I was. That’s totally worth it. It’s like I get to trail blaze for them. I love my kids.

Your parents are amazing. They raised an amazing guy. No joke. I kept wanting a guy who would be a spiritual leader. I guess that’s why I’m my age, and stuff. I’m really picky, I guess.

This has been quite the adventure. I feel like I’ve been playing chess with society. I hope I did okay, and that God cleans up any messes I made.

I had one guy “seeing” another girl while he was getting to know me. It really ticked me off, and I decided I never wanted to do that. Does that make sense? Or am I being arrogant? I don’t know. I just didn’t like it. It just didn’t seem fair. You’ve given me a lot of space this whole time, and I’ve been really thankful for that. You have a good heart.

Do you trust me?