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A long day alone

Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can’t see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find

Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me…

-Break Me Down, Red

Crimson rising up my spine, pumping out of my heart, surging through my lungs. I’m gasping for breath, but I cannot breathe. I scream, but there’s no sound. No one can hear me. Take this nothingness from me. I open my mouth, but I cannot expunge the ache inside me. Take this nothingness away from me.

Royal blue before my eyes. I’m dying inside, can anyone hear me? I can’t escape it. I run, chased by nightmares into deeper darkness. When will I wake up? There has to be some escape, I’m torn apart, completely torn apart. There’s royal blue on my sleeve, a velvet jacket I cannot wear. Silver buttons with thistles etched onto them. I’m trapped in the darkness, I cannot dance ever again.

What more can you take from me?

A ragged heartbeat, golden, gold, golden, gold, gold… Who’s golden? Not me. Rain fall against my cheek, I walk until the sky darkens. Up and down, up and down, gravel crunching beneath my boots. Rain falling, falling, falling… I can’t wake up. Please let me wake up. Turn me and my tears to gold. Let there be some value to all this.

Gentle voice, whispering wind, Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

Oh Lord, I’ve already died enough inside. Please, no more, no more, no more. Red surges through me, royal blue envelopes me, the fire turns all to gold.

Come to Me…

I have. And You haven’t made it better, You’ve just added more weight. I can’t do this on my own. Am I all alone? Hear the piano music… Gentle, like the rhythm in my soul. My soul moves to it, by this I know I’m still alive inside. I’m still holding on.

I die, I die inside. Lord, take me; turn me into whatever You want. Just promise that You’ll bring me back to life inside, promise me that spring will come. Promise me a wash of clear, cool rain; promise a reason for the fire enveloping me. You give and take away, You give and take away, You give and take away. I will cling to You, I will bless You. Do whatever You will.

I’m holding on, I will hold on. My God is with me. The nightmares flee. Hold on, hold on, the fire cannot last forever, then I will be gold, pure gold.