A blank page invites. Instills. Inner calm. Endless possibilities.
Just like frog song. Just like the warmth at nightfall, your body gently massaged with sunlight.
“If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?” I ask myself nearly every evening. But that is a secret.
Would my husband have laughed at me for banging up my knee today? I pushed off from shore and leaped aboard the kayak, propelling myself out into deeper water as I balanced and tried to slide into my seat.
Would my husband think ill of me because I left the laundry half done? Because my room is a bit cluttered? Because I’ve added another book to the shelf?
I went through a time in my life where I didn’t want to get married. I compared ‘marriage’ to a friendship with a guy I’d been in relationship with. He was awful to me. I still have emotional bruises from him. Several years later, and several guys later, I’m not sure that’s improved. At least I don’t throw up anymore at the thought of seeing a boy at a gathering that evening. I weaned myself off of that boy nearly a half year ago now.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll get cancer midway through life and be gone. I just found out that’s happening to a friend’s mom. I try not to feel it too much. If I open my eyes, the darkness penetrate and consume me. I don’t even want to think about their pain, because then I’ll feel it intensely. I’ve known her since I was little.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll lose my husband early on. When life is tough, sometimes people say: “God’s just strengthening you for things down the road.” That is never helpful. The last thing I need to hear in difficult times is that the darkness will most certainly get darker, the pain more unbearable.
Sometimes I wonder how many more guys are going to pass through my life. And I’m afraid I won’t be very discerning. I’m too forgiving. Too willing to work out differences. Too determined to bear their burdens. These should be virtues, but they’re very nearly faults with me.
But then there’s the soothing hum of frog song. And then there’s the gentle whir of the fan. The lamp is turned off, the laptop shut down, and it’s time for sleep. And God’s Voice whispers to me: “Don’t be afraid. I am with you, to the very end of the age.”
It’ll be okay. Everything will be all right.