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I don’t know. Maybe I used to be. I grew up in church, have nearly always been active in church, have had a good attendance record.

But now I question more. And I trust less. I give university professors credit for that, and some church leaders. Not the pastors at my old home church. They’re great. But some church leaders. And definitely some university professors. I just distrust authority now. And that carries in how I listen to sermons.

A questionnaire recently asked where my relationship with Jesus was. “Just where it needs to be” I put. No offense, but that’s between me and God. And honestly, I feel okay where I’m at. I enjoy journaling for the sake of writing down my thoughts, and often those entries drift between prayers and thoughts. I enjoy the Psalms. David had a lot of people who hurt him and were out for his blood. Not that I’m in dire straits like he was, but I definitely understand where he’s coming from.

Am I church girl? Maybe. I’ll be honest: I don’t exactly love everyone in the church. Some people are pretty messed up, just like all of us, I guess. And I’m not best buddies with some folk, for a lot of reasons. Getting pressured into service doesn’t help. I’m sort of a nonconformist, and being told I have to do something to “be a good Christian” usually sends me the opposite direction (unless I feel it’s something God is telling me).

Am I a church girl? I haven’t served in a church for several years. After nearly draining myself dry ministering to friends and acquaintances off at university, I withdrew from serving. I haven’t felt settled in a church in a long time too. That’s part of it. And after university, jumping around from one church to the next, never really forming relationships, it gets really easy not reaching out when you’re at church. Meet-and-greet, exchange names, and then promptly forget.

Am I a church girl? I don’t know. Maybe I’m working on it. It’s not as easy as it was when I was younger. But I am Jesus’ girl. Somehow, I think that’s more important.

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