Nothing is Wasted: A Writing on Life
Maybe I just enjoy complaining, but I get really, really upset when my friends try to set me up with a guy. I’ve had plenty of people try to set me up with guys before. In fact, the main reason I’ve chosen to leave a homegroup at my old church is because there is only one other single guy in the group, and some of the people in our homegroup think we’d be a “great match.” Plus, nowadays he keeps “accidently” running into me at church. I do enjoy briefly chatting with him, but I don’t like it when guys hover.
My gosh, I cannot even begin to describe how much I hate that.
The last time I got “set up” was about three or so years ago. Three? Hmm. Maybe more like two. Or four. I don’t know. ANYWAYS. I got set up, in all forms of the word. I didn’t even LIKE the guy, but he did a pretty good job of leading me on.
Let me explain.
It went something like this: He’s one of those guys who is upstanding in the church, and everyone thinks is cool. He is cool, but boy, does he NOT know how to treat a woman!
Let me begin by saying that I was never even really attracted to him. The only reason I let him into my life was because of “encouragement.” His dad would come up to me and praise him to me—all his virtues and that “fun.” His mom spent copious amounts of time doing basically the same thing. I don’t even speak to them nowadays for that reason.
When I asked my mom about this guy and told her how he’d been acting (coming up to me in church, spending a lot of time on my Facebook page, etc.), she encouraged me down the same road.
I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. He really isn’t, but I’m SO not attracted to him. For one, he didn’t even know how to hold a conversation with me. I’ve spent some time on online dating sites (that in and of itself is a whole ‘nother article), and I’ve learned something about myself: If a guy can’t even hold a decent conversation with me, I am not interested in him.
One guy I was interested in (on a dating site) was like this. He sounded like a neat guy. He was also several years my senior, so I figured he’d be more mature, have a decent job, not have a ton of college debt—stuff like that. He was good-looking, and very athletic. And it sounded like he had a good heart. My kind of guy.
He was a Christian (in all forms of the word. You have to be really careful of that when doing online matches). He sounded like a neat guy. Stuff like that. But he was pretty locked into his job, and had next to no time (and made no time) to chat (and I knew I needed a guy I could spend time with, and who enjoyed talking with me). I finally sent him a long message telling him that I thought he was a great guy, but that I needed someone I could actually TALK with, and I said goodbye and wished him the best. That was that.
But anyways. I’ve gotten off topic… So, yeah. I was “interested” in this guy at a church. He was WAY too meek for me. I mean, the guy was nice, but that was about it. I was anything but interested in him. He was too soft-spoken, too unsure of himself (I’m super, super confident and outgoing a good percentage of the time), and just sort of boring. Yeah, he came from a good family. But still.
However, his parents basically set me up with him, and my mom told me I should be interested in him. So, I let myself be led on for several months.
That didn’t last long.
He knew I was working on nonfiction writings (I was off at WWU at the time) and said he wanted to read some of my writings (“He’s a writer!” his dad told me. Ugh. I can pick my OWN guy interests, thank you very much!).
I replied back, telling this guy that they were very personal writings, so no—he couldn’t read them, but he could read my fiction story I was working on at the time. So, he read my story. And honestly, he did give me some helpful feedback. That was nice, though all I remember now was that he basically said the story really sucked him in.
So, I let him lead me on. Then, one day, I saw him sitting at church, by himself, with another girl (a very nice girl, by the way. She’s awesome, and deserves a wonderful guy. I hope God brings her someone who is just perfect for her. And I’m glad she’s not dating this guy).
Wait a minute! I thought. What’s going on here? I messaged him shortly after that basically asking him the same question. “I’m seeing so-and-so he told me. But I’d still like to get to know you!” Ha! Jerk. I’m not some side dish while you eat a main meal.
That was THAT, and I never spoke to the guy again; the meek and wishy-washy numbskull. Though, that is the only really bad thing I can say against him. He will probably make a wonderful, meek husband for some girl someday. (*snickers.* That in and of itself is another story).
Boys! My friend Elisa and I love talking about their stupidity sometimes. It’s refreshing, talking about some of the stupid things they do (as I’m sure guys talk about some of the stupid things we do. Believe me, I know girls are not exempt from stupidity. I do have a brother, after all, and he and I share stories).
My last group of guy “friends” was due to some “encouragement” as well. Basically, one of my gal friends (who, honestly, gives me horrible advice fairly often) told me to be “normal” I had to have guy friends.
Hmph. “Normal.” I am normal, thank you very much! My guy friends I trust are the ones who don’t hit on me all the time and make me stressed out with all their drama. THAT’S normal.
But anyways. At her “encouragement” I started having “guy friends.”
How do I describe that mess? (For it was a mess). It was pretty bad.
The first guy I became friends with was an old acquaintance from when I was little. He wasn’t a bad guy—at all—but he had absolutely no idea what he was doing.
We were just too different. I’d been to Mordor and back, and he’d never left his Shire. I’d seen the world, and he’d never left his small town. I’d been to university and back, and all he’d done was community college. I’d lived through things that he, frankly, thought were silly, which was hurtful. He didn’t like me, or my writings. If a guy can’t handle my writings, then he can’t handle me, and that’s his problem.
He got jealous when I sat with another guy in church, and I felt that was my fault, though anyone who knows me knows that I’m not the sort who “plays” with guys. It was a mess, basically.
I remember. Another guy friend wanted to swing dance with me the whole evening, when a group of us had gone out dancing. If I’d known better, I never would have hung out with that group of people, and their drama.
But the dancing… The dancing was my siren. I love to dance. My guy friend didn’t come (some nonsense about saving his first dance for his future wife), and that was disappointing. But there was another guy there, who was fun, even if dancing with him was a bit of a chore.
This guy was a decent dancer and fun to chat with and be around. But directly after that, he asked for my phone number (sort of demanded it, like I had to give it to him. Like it was a check list. Check! I danced with the girl. Check! I got her phone number. Laugh out loud). That was okay, I supposed. He was a friend of a friend, so I trusted him in that. And I enjoyed texting with him, just chatting back and forth (I love text-chatting).
But then… I was pretty sure he wanted to date me. And he was not someone I ever would have dated (for a lot of reasons). And I honestly didn’t want to accidentally hurt his heart, so I backed him off of texting with me and trying to hang out with me. He was one of those guys who “wanted a girlfriend,” and I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. Sure, I really enjoyed hanging out with him, but I would never have dated him or trusted him as a boyfriend.
That’s another fun story: Him and that other guy overlapped, and I felt like I was playing referee at times. Oof. I HATE playing referee. When you’re a pretty, fun-filled, interesting, charismatic (don’t groan. I promise I’m somewhat humble) young woman, you end up playing referee more often than you would like. Sometimes I wish I could bang guys’ heads together and tell them to cut it out, and that they’re stressing me out.
Haha! There was this one time at church (ohmyword, I was SO stressed) when I sat down next to that first guy friend (the one I might have dated, come time, but whom didn’t want a girlfriend—and certainly didn’t know how to have one. I am SO done with him. Now if I could just get that through some thick heads, we’d be good).
Then ANOTHER guy friend came and sat down (that’s another story. He was a sweet guy, but I was a bit worried about some past stuff from his life, and I don’t think I ever would have dated him. And I knew he had a tender heart, so I was really careful about not leading him on). So, I was a bit worried, because I honestly liked both those guys at the time, but I felt like I was being forced to choose one, and I was stressed about that.
And did it end there? Nope. ANOTHER guy came and sat next to me, which totally weirded me out because I was pretty sure he was interested in another girl (who didn’t like me, I think for that reason. That wasn’t fun, to put it mildly). And I was so nervous you wouldn’t believe it.
Those guys… Sometimes I felt like I was the flame and they were the moths. It was high school all over again, when I avoided guys like the plague.
They never gave me my space. I would be at worship, and they’d wander near me and hang out nearby, kneeling before the Lord and glancing over at me. I was trying to focus on WORSHIP, and they were trying to get my attention. Do you have any idea how disrespectful that is? Sometimes more than one of them would wander over and hover nearby. “Hovering” was my term for it. It both stressed me out and ticked me off, and I never felt safe.
Let me compare that to another of my guy friends at my home church, who asked me the other evening at a church service, “Do you want company?” And when I told him that I appreciated it, which I honestly did, but needed some God time and time to myself, he respected that and wandered off to sit with some other people. I thought to myself: What a man of God. He’s very mature, though he’s at least four years my junior. Good man. It was very, very refreshing.
Hmm… I think I’ve wandered off my main topic. What was my main topic again? (*scrolls upward to read the top of the document *). Oh yes! “Being set up.” Yes.
So, yeah, I left a homegroup because I was being set up with the guy there. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. He would probably make a lovely boyfriend for some girl (OLDER than me, just sayin’. He’s too old for me). That is, some girl who wants a guy like him. I mean, I like when a guy serves in the church, but when he (and others) boast about it… Nah. Not interested.
Basically, the first time I checked out the homegroup to see if it was one I wanted to attend (I had been very adamant about NOT attending one with any singles in it—neither guys nor gals. I hate drama), that first time–the leader of the homegroup said there was a single guy in the group, and gave me that “knowing look” of “we’re going to set you up with him! Oh boy!” Nrgh. When will people realize that I am more than capable of picking a guy I actually want to date?
I never appreciate being set up with a guy. In fact, it usually makes me downright mad. And it’s so much pressure! I start stressing out whether or not I should pursue a relationship, etc. etc. etc.
I also really hate when people start asking me “are you two a ‘thing’?” Who CARES if we’re a thing? It’s none of their business anyways! And SO-WHAT if we’re not? Maybe I just enjoy hanging out with the guy and don’t want to date now anyways. Maybe I believe that I am in a healing season, and need to focus on rearranging my life and healing from a bad dating experience several months back (as well as some bad experiences on top of that. I have a lot of deep pain that is going to take a long time for God to heal).