I fell for you because you seemed like a good guy. You impressed my parents, you were my brother’s friend. Everything about you said: “He’s good.” You were into a lot of the same things I was. You were a supposed churchgoer, and a supposed Christian. You supposedly wanted to date me. You were the one who first called yourself “Arielle’s boyfriend,” and then looked over at me, probing with your words.
So, we began to date. You were my first dating relationship. I felt thankful that a guy actually wanted to date me, instead of friend-zoning me.
I don’t know what I was thinking.
You were such a city person, and so prissy. You didn’t even like to kayak (you were afraid of the water). You were so controlling, and said so many hurtful things to me. You slicked your hair, dressed up all fancy, and dragged me around the malls (I hate malls). There’s no way you would have gone hiking with me ever. You told me as much.
I thought I could trust you because of the kind of person you presented to the world. Perhaps only I will ever know the kind of man you really are–the kind of man the rest of the world doesn’t see.
You told me you were cool watching sex in movies. That it “didn’t bug you.”
The first time you told me about your pornography, you first tried to get me to name a sin in my life, so that yours would seem less severe.
My heart broke when I asked you how long it had been, and you told me: “Not long.” And I probed further. “Last night.”
My heart broke when she texted you: “Does your girlfriend hate me? It seems like she hates me.” And my heart broke even worse when you tried to pacify her. She was always so cruel to me.
I finally figure it out: All those fancy outfits you bought for me… you were just trying to dress me up like the woman you really loved.
You tried to get into my life numerous times after that, chasing the wind–always chasing the wind.
You tried to use my brother to get back into my life. My brother should have taken your head off. You got lucky he’s such a nice guy, and not very likely to often take people’s heads off. Too bad his sister takes people’s heads off a lot.
You tried to use a mutual gal friend to get back into my life (she and I stopped being friends after that).
You even tried to go after me when I was dating again. You hovered nearby, kneeling “before the Lord” in worship, and glancing over at me (I asked my guy friend if he and I could move, and then I went to the bathroom alone and cried). It was all so fake. I knew you at that point. You were the kind of man who could hit a girl, or rape her. Oh yes, I knew you well. I could see the monster ruling you.
You were an evil man. I wasn’t the first girl you had tried to use physically. Ever think what you did to that other girl? You used her, and then took her to church. You are an evil man.
And I forced your hand. You were the one who broke up with me, but I was the one that gave you the ultimatum of “no more other women” and “no more porn.”
You called me over and over and over again, leaving one voicemail after the other, about how awful a person I was.
I threw it all in the garbage then–every single thing I treasured. It belonged in the garbage. You didn’t deserve my heart.
And I would NEVER have married you. I’m not that dumb. I can only be deceived for so long.