Sometimes silence lays heavy on my tongue. I walk around the house, around most everywhere, wishing I was invisible. Wishing there were no eyes on me. My thoughts drift, but I keep my mouth closed. And the silence lays heavy on my tongue, and I draw a veil across my eyes.
That was why I took so many midnight walks at WWU. God knew I needed that refuge of the moonlit forests and dark, stormy nights. He knew it, and kept me utterly safe.
I slip through life like one of the Fae. I am the changeling. I can change from outgoing human, to my true, inner self. I let few see the inner self. I only let most see the outer self. To be shown the inner self is a gift I rarely give.
My heart is slowly mending. It’s been so battered for so long, by so many people. Slowly, slowly, God is healing me.
I seek out sanctuaries. His church is such a one, when I have the courage to come. The middle school youth room at Calvary is yet another. I’ve had enough of adults and young adults. Let the children befriend me, and let me feel like a sister to them. I want Family again.
Children. That I am able to call middle schoolers and high schoolers “children” is beyond my fathom. But they are. They are like brothers and sisters to me, but so young. Sometimes I feel like I am forty. But most times I feel like I am twelve. That’s the thing about being one of the Fae.
I used to be a romantic. Then, I learned I had to hide that or guys would take advantage of it. So, I hid away, die away, faerie child. Sigh, sigh, laugh and cry, faeries fade away, beneath darkening skies. I wrote that. Years ago.
Oh yes, I am layers upon layers. I have mastered the skill set of an actor, and few people can truly read me. To let you into my world means I’ve given you a precious gift.
Still, I feel like a forest creature–wary, and ready at a moment’s notice to flee, or fight.
I am shy. Did you know that? I am shy. Don’t be fooled by appearances. I’m not an outgoing person. I prefer the shadows, and the quiet, and the stillness. That is why I am so at home in the outdoors.
Perhaps, soon, I will go back to my night walks. But for now, I shall snuggle in the cozy warmth of my room, surrounded by books and beauty and my writings–like some scrapbook collage–and I will hide away, just me and God.
It’s hard for people to understand me. I get that. So, I’ll just let into my world the people who do understand. And the rest? They can stay on the outside.
Next Sunday, I’ll be back at my home church, I think. I promised a middle schooler I would, and I want to honor my word. I need Calvary like I need the breath in my lungs. Sometimes, sometimes, it is easier to walk in there than to walk into his church. But only because of my fears.
Only because of my fears. God help me.