I can’t stop thinking about you.
God does restore the years the locusts destroy though. That is hope.
Because of the emotional abuse, I had bad dreams. A castle, and I couldn’t leave, and I got hurt. This is what it felt like emotionally. But people really live through that.
I always wanted someone to bust down the door and carry me away. They’d take me somewhere safe, and they’d take care of me. And they’d still want me, even after what the man in the castle had done to me.
And now? I’m not the one being rescued, so much as I get a chance to join in the rescue. I can’t go back in time though. I just get a chance to help write the future.
That’s not what it should be like. The abuse and destruction.
Kisses should be sweet. To bless, and not use as a object.
It should be a gift, not something taken by force or manipulation.
It should never be pain.
It should not be fear, or confusion, or crying.
I was shielded, in some ways. This pleases me, because of the gift to give. There was one before me that he wasn’t kind to. He used her, without removing clothes, I guess. Used her all over the house. It was very wrong. I realized, after I got away from him, he wanted to try the same with me. I was an object. I chose to kiss because of the words he used, and because I believed him when he said we were heading in our relationship toward marriage. I am thankful I had a no, and that he wasn’t stronger than me to force a “yes.” The real danger was the erosion. I just knew that I would never wear immodest summer clothes. I’d never let him put his hands under my clothes; and that it was wrong, when he tried to touch places. The kissing didn’t feel like a choice. It was an “or else.”
I wish I hadn’t kissed. I think of kissing, and I feel sick. He was one of those who had two different faces, depending on who he was around. His true colors came out a little at a time. The face is the hard part. Like what he looked like when he got up in my face, all forceful, and his hand close to my face, like I’d do what he said or else. It was scary. He scared me really badly.
That was all I needed though, to know I needed to flee. That was God’s protection. Maybe God is protecting us, in the middle of all the awfulness?
I’m glad of a lot of things. I’m thankful you’ve been in a good place all these years. I’m thankful you haven’t had a girl try to undo your standards, and then screw your heart. I think God shields you? As He shielded me.
Kissing isn’t awfulness. It’s a gift, and something sweet.
I think God really watched out for you. It’s like He outmaneuvered the destruction the devil had for you. I already knew you struggled, really early on. I just decided to pay an emotional price and trust God for the rest.
I’m glad God has shielded you. There are varying views on struggles, within the church, and I think God maybe shielded you. Or He could have provided a way, if He willed it. These are just human thoughts trying to think in terms of eternal scale and infinities.
Perhaps I am the naiad child I wrote about. A hundred years is a long time to wait. But not too long.