You are often my happy thought. I am so blessed to think of you. I can’t imagine having chosen anyone else. They all seem like smoke. And you’re real, even if I’m nervous to talk to you.
I went over to Elora’s this evening, which meant kids running up and giving me hugs, and one sitting in my lap (because he ran into a wall and had a bloody nose), and kids laughing upstairs as I read stories and look through bead containers. (Most of the beads I donated, because I don’t use plastic ones much anymore, and my craft bins needed clearing out).
Elora said you’re very welcome to come over. She remembers your little brother. It’s cool how worlds overlap. You’ll have fun there. It might just be nice to get away from everything too; just you and me, though with people that can be trusted. Thank you for being patient with me. I know I’ve had a lot of guy friends while we’ve been getting to know each other. If I had more gal friends, it wouldn’t be a problem; but I don’t have many friends, and I’ve needed normal conversation about day-to-day stuff. Thank you for your kindness, and patience. It’s meant a lot. I don’t want to treat other guys badly just because I have an interest. Especially the ones who have blessed me so much and helped get me outside of my shell, or been there for me. I don’t think God would be cool with that. So thank you for your patience.
I’m afraid to fall for you. It’s hard, but the truth. I think the technical term is “disassociation.” It’s where you try not to feel, because you’ve been hurt so many times. I like it when you smile though. You’re sweet.
I’m feeling more normal now, though I’m stressed about work now. I just want a stable job and stable income. It is good though, because I have time to hunt for a new job, and time to focus on the dance stuff coming up. You could pray for that. Our dance world has its own systems, and it’s smart to be smart. This is the truth, though I wish it wasn’t. It’s hard, sometimes, being very good at what you do. My dance academy is my own little world, and I try to watch out for my dancers the best I can, and do my best by them. I sort of consider them my family; and I try to do what’s best for them. You should come to a class sometime. We have a really good time.
Tomorrow is writers’ group, and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve decided to stay at home church on Sundays, because I think that’s where God told me to stay, and Elora kind of confirmed it. She’s doing a Bible study though, and I think I’ll try that. I need some social life stuff.
Do you think I’m brave? Do you know how much I like you? It’s so nice, thinking about me having a future. I’ve been wanting it for so long. I guess I just had other stuff I needed to do first, and a time for God to train me. Do you know your full worth? Do you know how precious you are? God loves you so much.
I got fired today. More relieved than anything, though back to the mad scramble for money. They were right: I was not a good fit. I do the things I do for God, and for people; not for myself, or the fame, or the money. I do it because people are made in the image of God.
I was not a good fit. I could see it in their eyes. They couldn’t push me around. They couldn’t change my sweet spirit. They couldn’t conform me to their image.
I have gained. I have many skills, and much knowledge that I’m sure will come in handy later, knowing me. I know their system quite well. That is a good skill to have.
I’m not made for the high-end life. I can pass through it, but I come as myself, and only myself. I am not more, or less, than who I am. I am who God has made me. I have plenty of scars, from one thing or another. My hands are worker’s hands, lined and darkened by the sun. I have broken and arthritic knees from too much dancing. I have anxiety issues, from helping too many people. I have stories that few can tell, and I call myself blessed for the ways God has used me.
“Okay, God,” I said, “This sucks. But every bad thing that has happened to me has catapulted me into something good. You know what you’re doing, even though this is freaking me out a bit.”
This is truth, and I am growing. This makes me happy.
I cried on my mom’s shoulder, because mom’s are always good for that. I went with her to visit my grandma, and looked through old photo albums and played a hand of cards. My mom and I talked life too. My mom is a cool person, and runs into many of the same issues.
“It’s like with our golden retriever girl,” Mom tells me.
I smile, because I know what she’s talking about.
“She’s is sweet, but an alpha, and the other dogs can sense it. A lot of other dogs try to challenge her. They just don’t like her.”
I can picture my coworker’s eyes. They are nervous, because I am like an unmoving rock, confident in who she is. And I don’t need help. And I’m smart. This is a bad combination, but the people that usually find it bad don’t need my time wasted on nonsense.
This is also why I have issues with many guys. Many guys are controlling. Perhaps this is from the curse, and men wanting to “rule over you.” A man can’t rule over a woman who has the nature of a cat, and only respects those who have earned her respect. I’m a good judge of people, most times. You see the same patterns, after enough years.
So, I say: I’m done, and goodbye to that job. You taught me skills I wanted to learn, and gave me a paycheck to last another month. I’m off to something better. Have fun, and do what you will. Fairies flit away, and the cat walks her own path again.