Didn’t really get out in the sunshine today, but got an absolute ton done at home. And I had a leisurely morning, which I desperately needed.
Dance class was good too. I’m out of my mind half the time (I’ll bring you sometime, and you’ll see what I mean), but the girls make me laugh a lot too. At one point, I was laughing so hard I got tears in my eyes. I really, really needed that. I love being a teacher. I’m just in my element, and relaxed. I wonder if you’d see a different side of me. I just shut down in certain social situations. Do you ever get that way? Maybe it’s an introvert thing.
Two more days until this holiday is over. I had to go grocery shopping again today. Reminds me of dating. I wish I’d gotten to know him better first. They put on such a show though. I had a lot of warning signs, when I was into the relationship, but I didn’t know that they were warning signs. At least it was only three months. A lot of women marry men like that, and then get abused after the wedding day. In some ways though, I wish it had never happened. Any of it. Never met him, never thought he seemed like a good guy. He was good at deception. And feeling ruined is an awful feeling. Remember that time you waved goodbye? I was like, “No way he’s going to like me. He doesn’t know the stuff I’ve been through.”
I guess we can redeem Valentine’s Day later, because right now it’s connected with all things shallow, and empty words, and abuse. It could have been worse though. At least I was stronger than him. I’m stronger than a lot of guys, actually. I guess that’s another reason I’m not as afraid.
I guess with my scout brothers it’s different. I’ve known them forever, and they’d never, ever do something like that. They’d be the ones knocking the bad guy’s brains out (as I’d do for them. I think that’s the way brothers and sisters in Christ should be). I think I navigated all that fairly well though. God was there the whole time, helping me know what to do. I just want to leave my guy friends with a wholeness, instead of with pain and “not good enough” (or whatever. Rejection of any sort is hard, but you can do it in a way to make it less painful). Some of them, it’s not a big deal and I didn’t have to do much, but other friends I felt I needed to be more consciousnesses with.
I like your family a lot. Did you know that? Your parents are both godly, and have a good relationship. They’ve raised all of you extremely well, and in neat ways. You all care about each other. Your little brother made me feel welcome right off the bat, and got me out of my bubble. You two made me feel comfortable as well.
You were so nervous, that one time. Drinking tea, and not saying much. I had a plan though (even if I muffed it pretty badly at one point. Sorry). I think I’d liked you for a while. The problem was, I realized you liked me too, and I wasn’t entirely sure what to do (and I was also busy winnowing out the supposed competition. Umm… That sounds mean. But yeah. Bad combination).
I also wasn’t entirely sure what to do, because a relationship at that point was not feasible. Honestly? I was hoping you’d come talk to me, after the fellowship time was over. But you kept your head down (you do that a lot. Did you know that?). I like you. We’re such opposites in some respects, but I like you. Maybe you felt like I was playing games with you, but I wasn’t trying to (at least not for the sake of the game). I was just trying to do my best with a situation that wasn’t very workable. Put yourself in my shoes, and maybe you’ll have a better sense of what I had to work with.
I want winter to be over.
I think I still have depression, because I have circles under my eyes. I’m resting better though, and that makes me happy.
Your eyes were sad, that one time at fellowship. They didn’t need to be sad. I’d known for quite a while, and already knew I liked you a lot. If you like someone a lot, you’re sort of willing to do what it takes to get their heart. The rose was sweet. That was a good gift. I like the gifts you come up with; they’re totally you, and they’re wholesome and the kind of thing you treasure.
I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to grow up. I grow up slowly, I guess. I like that I’ve been on a lot of adventures though. I kept asking God why it was taking so long, but I think He had a lot of stuff for me to do. I kind of figure you should make the most of every opportunity and get as much kingdom work in as possible. So, I’m glad I had the chance to do that. I think I had a lot God wanted me to do.
Do I seem childlike to you? You seem very childlike to me (a good thing). You’re also like me though, in that you seem way older than you are. I think in some ways though, I have more life experience. I’m good with money, know how to budget, know my way around the work world, and have a pretty good sense of people. I sort of feel like you’re going to be the one there for me, and doing kind things and watching out for me. And I’m the one who is going to watch out for you, because I don’t let the world shred people I care about. And you’re so sweet-spirited.
I might sort of adopt your family. My family gets pretty spread-out sometimes. My brother isn’t around much. He sort of has his own life, and we don’t see much of him. When we do hang out, it’s a good time, but I don’t really have him there. My mom and I don’t talk everything. Dad and I talk a lot of things, but pretty much every deep thing just stays off limits. He’s of the opinion that each of us kids should be able to make our own choices. We can kind of do whatever.
I like your mom. She’s down-to-earth, and she really loves your dad and respects him. And she’s easy to talk with. I think she’s okay with me now. I think she wasn’t too sure about me for a while there (which is understandable. I made the mistake of telling I had a bad history with guys, and I think I should have used a different set of words. Sometimes I’m sort of stupid. Honest though. At least I’m honest. I really should have used a different set of words though).
How are you, like, so much older than me? It’s weird. Cool, but weird. Other times, you’re so completely your age. How many conversations have you had with girls you like? Or are you more of a “from a distance” person? You’re quiet, but very observant. I think you’re like me, in that you don’t miss much. I’m sorry the retreat was hard on you. I was just so emotionally worn out, and I needed a weekend away (and the panic attacks are hard). I wasn’t going to ditch you, you know. I told you I’d be back, and I came back.
I like the spring. Did you know that? I love seeing spring flowers, and having more sun and longer days. This cold weather is okay, but not great. I freeze really easily. I think I’m part cat, because I spend a lot of time in front of my space heater at my place, or with a heating pad on my back (I’m all muscle now, after putting in fences and digging ditches all summer. What a job. I actually have arms muscles now too, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that).
The sucky thing about two introverts liking each other is that we have to craft conversation. I do, anyways. It’s like an art form (extroverts have it easy). Topics. Hmm. Maybe you can tell me about what they teach for diplomacy. I’m vastly curious. Or you could tell me about your travels. Or I guess I could ask you about school. Sorry I shut you down that one time, when you were trying to tell me about fellowship stuff. We’ll find middle ground, for conversation. Connect to each other’s worlds, in time.
I hope you continue to get the sense of the kind of person I am, so you can trust me more. I know trust is hard (believe me, I know). I’m very blunt, I’m not big on drama, I don’t need guy attention to survive (though I think I enjoy it sometimes, just like most girls do). I’m very careful with hearts. I’m a good friend. I’m loyal. And I obviously am rather taken with you.
Please continue to pray for me. I’m doing pretty well. I think it’ll be better when I have a full time job and a healthy savings. I drained my money on my dance business (you wouldn’t believe how expensive outfitting is, and just normal dance studio supplies). That Celtic trip two summers ago was spendy too. Totally worth it, but not having a savings right now isn’t on my “good” list.
Please continue to pray for me in my Shire. I really do need that. It’s my sanctuary, and the place I feel safe and loved in. I think it will be better now, since the drama is sorted. I hate chess. Did you know that? I hate social chess. And I like you.