I have a headache. I think I was awake at 4 am or so though, so that’s probably mostly it.
I actually got a “spring” tan (which isn’t much, but it was nice. I hate winter). That was such a nice walk. I don’t mind being a city person right now. Metropolitan, or whatever it’s called. I love this city a lot. Bellingham was nice too. I think I would have stayed there, except I had no church family there, and I got too lonely. (And God knew what He was doing).
I’m really thankful for the place I have. It’s so nice, to have my own space and my own life. Parents really don’t know how to let go sometimes. I need them, but it’s so hard getting them to see me as an adult. Remind me not to do that when I get to that point.
I hope to goodness you enjoy doing dishes. I love housework, but I can’t stand dishes anymore. And it’s a sore spot, from living at home, way back when.
Sometimes I feel like a music box, with a whole host of stories trapped inside. I’ve walked thousands of miles, it feels like. I like it, because it means I’ve been doing as much with my life as I can, but I also just want to slow down and enjoy life a bit. I push myself so hard, and that’s great, but I want to try to do less. Having a full time job will help. I swear, the last few months with job stuff have been ridiculous. God knew what He was doing, and I can see His Hand in all of it; but ridiculous.
I think I’m feeling better now, about the previous princess. I don’t think you can be this smitten with me and still like her, so I think I’m okay. I’m just sensitive in that area, from past stuff. I think you’re like me though, when it comes to integrity and loyalty, so I think we’re good to go. Character-wise, you and I are a lot alike. That was another thing that caught my eye. It’s rare to meet someone who puts others first.
I keep worrying you’ll ditch me after reading my stories, but you’re still here. It’s very comforting. For other stories, can we wait? I’m just not ready. I’m still recovering, honestly. I think I care too much, or something. I’m always willing, but it does take a toll on me each time.
I was thinking about a lot of the paths. I think God was using all that to grow me. I learned a lot about humanity, and about myself. I really wasn’t kidding when I said that I know everything that hurts (most wounded area of my life, I feel like). I still feel really raw inside. I think I’ll heal, but it all still hurts a lot. Crying is good too, but it knocks you over pretty bad as well (which is why I think I have a massive headache today).
I guess I was always sort of hoping for a Calvary guy. Someone who understood my world but was also spiritually mature and healthy. It just seemed a lot to ask for. The healthy ones had no concept of “valleys of the shadow of death.” And the ones who had been through their own valleys were often good at wounding. Then there was the smarts thing. I was hoping for someone who was smart, because God’s wired me that way. But the smart ones are often arrogant (and you’re humble). It’s all very neat, if you think about it.
You wouldn’t believe some of the other churches out there. One, basically were hero-worshiping one of their own. I don’t think they realized it, but that was a lot of what it had become. Other churches have a lot of worldliness. Like, what I went through with the abuse is common, even among those serving. I don’t think there’s much accountability, though I never did go to them with what had happened. There are weird beliefs out there too; a lot of them. We are very lucky at our church, honestly.
I guess I changed churches so much because I was looking for fellowship. After you graduate high school, it’s hard finding fellowship. And shortly after high school, our homegroup we’d had for years dissolved (because it had been built around us kids). And, honestly, I think I was “looking” too. I guess I’m picky. I just figure it’s for life, and I’m not stepping into something I’m not okay with (like, “homeschool is dumb,” or “your writings are too personal,” or “I believe in Evolution”).
I guess I just got fed up with it all. Most of the guys treated me like something to hunt, or hover over. That one church was especially bad. I needed them to bless me, and they were very disrespectful of me (not physically, but socially). I felt like I was constantly being a diplomat. I learned the fine art of it, but I hated it.
I think that’s why you caught my eye, at the October festival. You didn’t interrupt me. You just wandered off (and got confused about everything. Sorry). I feel like I’ve been rescuing you a lot socially, but I think that’s because you’re a gentleman. I’m not much of a “lady” in that regard anymore because I get tired of it all, and exasperated. I’m only gentle with those I feel I need to be gentle with. The rest? Whatever.
It was good, seeing the three of you get along well. That makes me really happy. I’ve gotten kind of mad at your dad a few times, but I know he loves you a lot (I’m getting the sense that both your parents are very strong willed. This is very good, and going to be very interesting). I’m not quite sure how your mom and I will get along. I might have to briefly explain to her about the “ghosts” thing, and that not all of it is her. I’ve just had some really bad experiences with guy’s moms, and I’m working on trust in that area of my life. She’s really cool though, and I know she loves you a lot. You do have a really good family.
I don’t know how to describe my family. I love them, but they’ve hurt me a lot emotionally. I’m not even close to being healed up. I’m so thankful for them, but it’s a very unhealthy family dynamic with the control and everything. I could use a lot of prayer in that.
I think I need a nap. I got a couple of projects done, and I’m really, really tired. The sunshine is nice (and the cats aren’t fighting. Milo is zonked out in the kitty tower with his striped tail hanging down, and Martha is asleep on my pillow).
Pray for this week. This is going to be a challenging week with job stuff. I’m kind of stressed out. It’ll be okay, but I am feeling anxious over it.