Emotionally Exhausted

Remind me to never become a foster parent (Ian took the stray cat home). I’m relieved to have her out of the house though. My other cats have been chill, but trying to keep a cat in a spare room is very much a challenge. She wouldn’t be a good fit anyways. I have problems with cats hissing at me for no darn reason. She’s much better off with my brother.

I’m not kidding about being sore from dancing on a bad floor. I hurt SO BAD. I may be a bit cranky tomorrow. Will you pray for me? Church is getting easier, but I’m still having some problems feeling sick to my stomach. Just too much trauma over the years, I guess.

I did tell your mom a bit about my ghosts too. I just didn’t want her to feel like it was her, when it’s the ghosts from bad past experiences. Telling people stories is really hard though. I guess both of us have trust issues. Good thing God is bigger, and is faithful.

I hope you had a good day. I’m running on empty right now, I’m so exhausted. I hope life becomes a little more stable soon. Starting a new job is always hard, and I just have so much else on my plate (taxes coming up, and finishing a whole stack of paperwork for new job, and dealing with health care plan changes).

Will you pray a lot for me? I really, really need it.

I’m glad church is my family, and I’m thankful for you. Everywhere else is just so empty. You’re real, even if it’s hard working on feeling safe emotionally and socially. Thanks for being a good listener. I’ve really, really needed it.

I feel like I have a lot of scars.

I was dealing with a humiliation factor today too. Old boss (who fired me) was present at the performance. He did talk to me though, and that meant something. It just hurts though, when you’re not treated well. That shame (which makes me hold my head higher, but still feel just as insecure). I’m looking forward when my whole life can be church, and I can choose who I want to be around.

I’m so worn out.


Evil Within Humans

Sometimes I wonder

If I walked by her side

or if she was one of the ones I befriended

because I do that with so many people


What her face looked like


And then I want to ask her

“What made you think

that this was okay? Good?”

I ask myself,

How are monsters formed?


I want to ask God

why He didn’t stop it

or open the eyes of anyone

How are we not able to see this?



my mind drifts


I remember my gal friend

Her parents came to visit

I went for a walk in the woods

because I didn’t want to see them


I remember her dad though

From when we first started out the new year

he commented on my “Matthew Henry Commentary”

I had on my shelf

He was glad I was a Christian

and her friend


He helped his daughter build a piece of furniture

he’d bought at the store

She gave it to me

when she moved back home

It houses my Celtic books

I gathered overseas


I didn’t realize

two families can be connected

and it’s those we trust

who often are not trustworthy

Her stories


I saw him as a stranger

but she picked up his call

when he called her

“I’m sorry” he said to her

She said she didn’t feel that that covered it

I told her it didn’t


I don’t understand

How are monsters created?

The Day Before St. Patrick’s Day

What a day.

Work is absolutely great. I like these types of people much better. It’s a lot like the Chehalis crowd. AND… I get to wear jeans and a T-shirt instead of fancy stuff (I’m working in the basement. I was not hired for brains or administrative prowess, that’s for sure. I like the machines though. They’re easy to use. Can I become a mechanic later in life? That would be awesome).

The middle school night was great. It was like a whole bunch of leprechauns running around. Our pastor even changed the music at my request (I said I couldn’t stand accordion music, and that Irish fiddle is much better). The girls are… fun. One of them was having a contest to see how many hats she could put on my head after I knocked the previous hat off (there were tons laying around, for the “leaders” to wear. Kids got ’em though). Then a whole bunch of us had a dancing contest (which was mostly the “swing your partner round and round!” style). I did a few Jig heel clicks (which will I pay for tomorrow, because of the cement floor. Did I mention I’m going to a pub tomorrow to dance? Bagpipe band. Last year they wanted me to dance on the pool table. I said no). I also had one of the girls paint a shamrock on my cheek with her face paint (and then accidentally smeared it all over the back of my hand later. Oops).

Anyways. It was immensely fun. Oh. And one of the kids stole my green shawl. I looked literally everywhere for it, when I was ready to go home. Then I was like, “I wonder if one of the girls is hiding it…” Sure enough, one of the girls was the culprit. My word.

I did take a break part way through and took a walk around the church. Being back here is good, but I’m still working through a lot emotionally. Are you in the same boat? I think about you a lot. We’re really similar, in a lot of ways.

I’m still dealing with feeling worried you’ll up and leave, or call it quits, but I think we’re going to be good. Do you ever feel like this is sort of crazy? I feel like that sometimes. I’m like, “What on earth am I thinking?” And then I’m like, “Hush. You know exactly what you’re doing.”

Do you know the trees out front? They used to be so small. I’ve been going to this church for so many years. The kids used to be banned from the trees because they would hang off them, and the adults were worried they’d break. I used to play tag out on the grass where the add-on building is. Always barefoot. Rowena and I were the fastest (even faster than most of the boys). I taught her part of the Highland Fling out there too. I was always teaching her things. The other main thing was how to draw waterfalls. I don’t know why I remember that.

I think I’m going to be able to start letting you in emotionally and socially more. Now that life is more stable with money, I think I’ll feel a whole lot better. This job honestly is a good fit for me (and the money is just what I need right now). The invisible walls are hard though. Part of it has just been all the drama, and the social aspect of all this. Guys should respect “no.” Parents even more so. Parents are as bad as the guys themselves. You just feel like something on the menu after a while. It’s not a good feeling.

You are my happy thought. I can’t believe I’m here, honestly. I’ve been pretty content just doing normal stuff like serving in church, working on my writing, teaching dance, and trying to have a normal life. The scary part for me is all this. The rest? I can do. But telling stories and being emotionally honest is hard for me. A lot of guys have been jerks. It’s nice having some distance too, because I realize just how bad they were.

Oh. Also saw the mom of your last interest the other day. I was like (just in my own head), “Ha! I win.”

My word. You have no idea how exhausted I am. I need to try to sleep in tomorrow.

Continue to pray for me? I need my insomnia to go away.

I think I have a major crush on you. Did you know that?

My Word

Do you know how hard it is to get five kids to brush their teeth? The second to littlest was running circles around the house, until I intercepted him. And then I kept carrying him back into the bathroom (upside down, which made him giggle and didn’t help the process AT ALL). I finally threatened to make him brush his teeth hanging upside down. Earlier, he was snuggled in my lap for the movie (a fantasy owl movie. Quite good, actually). He was playing with my Shammah ring on the cord around my neck, and I told him bits of the story. He also decided to call me a doughnut (which made him giggle again. He’s weird. It’s a good mix). Before the movie, it was complete chaos. Just a whirlwind with all of them (four out of five of them are boys). They had this cat toy stuck in a Quaker box, and somehow that was immensely amusing. And then I got high on Swedish Fish while they were brushing their teeth, and by the time the parents got home, I couldn’t stop laughing (them putting on PJs was even worse than teeth brushing).

I’m exhausted. That was the bestest fun ever.

Did you see the stars? My word. They were so bright. It reminds me of backpacking. We need to go backpacking. There is a particular carving on a log at one of the lakes that I did a long ways back. Very nice. Daydreaming.

I hope you had a good a day as I did. (No more Swedish Fish for me though.)

Hey You :)

Kid bro is taking the stray. Much good. And we had a nice visit. Told him about all the guy drama. His response to the mutual guy friends was: “That would be weird for all of us.” I agree.

He also agrees that being too gentlemanly is not great. You figure out your own path, but yeah. And I’ll try to back you, unless it’s uncool (not quite sure how though. I guess that one time I just wanted you to let me handle it so no scars, because I know him better than you do. And you know how that feels).

Can’t believe I’m starting my new job tomorrow. Got hugs from all classroom kids. Will be very missed. Off to babysit the five kids this evening.

You’re so sweet. I snagged just the right guy.

Analyst at Work

I’m assuming that neither of your parents experienced sexual abuse. They have a healthy, loving relationship.

So. And then there’s me.

Did you see my walls go up when your dad was chatting with one of the guys at fellowship, about kissing his wife? And you were standing right there? My walls went up. Do you know WHY? Because kissing is a negative thing, right now, to me. And we were in a living room, and I was on a couch hanging out, and “kissing” is a trigger word.

And you’re sensitive, because you were reading me well, and you went out of the room (and then I was better). If I have space, I feel safe. If I know my boundaries are respected, I will feel safe. If there is no pressure, I feel safe. If there is no “Catch 22,” I feel safe. If it’s my choice, I feel safe. If I can say no, I feel safe.

This is what it’s like for a woman who has been sexually abused. Now it’s your turn to be an analyst.

Catch 22

I have a lot of relationships in my life that are a “Catch 22.” They’ll do nice things for me, but there are always strings attached. There are obligations, or guilt, or “you owe me.” A lot of different relationships in my life have been (and are) like this.

My ex had this mindset too. “I’ll buy you stuff, but you owe me.” Or “We’re in a relationship, so you owe me kissing.” It was a “I want” mindset. The things I meant to be sweet, like a kiss on the cheek, made him want more. He used anything physical to manipulate. This will take a lot of time to move past, and to build trust over again.

Our whole relationship was control and manipulation and coercion. Pressure, to do what he wanted. Backlash, if you didn’t do it. The most severe was when he almost hit me, which was what alerted me to the “this is abusive, and I have to get out of this right now.”

So. You have a lot of barriers, but I figure God is bigger than the stupid, evil things that people do to us. God is bigger.


I did tell a guy friend about my gal friend who had been raped. I was feeling very traumatized from trying to help her. It left scars, honestly, that I’m still trying to recover from. God was there for me, but I didn’t have anyone else walking alongside me.

The look on his face? Repulsion. I was repulsive, or the rape was repulsive. One or the other.

That messed me up for years. It still is hard on me. I have a hard time, thinking about seeing you, because of that.

Repulsion is the wrong reaction, period. It’s not repulsive. It’s evil, but the victim is never repulsive. Porn itself is not repulsive. It’s evil, but those are people who God loves who are being abused by a system that says “This is okay. It’s ‘good,’ even.” Evil. God just wants to wrap them up in His arms and heal and cleanse from the evil. I think that’s God’s heart for people.

I remember her face. It was pretty late in the evening at that point. We’d been chatting for a long time. She was so sweet. My friendship with her loaned her some of my outgoing nature, and she helped me with kindness when I was ticked off. Funny story: there was this one time where the people on our floor were being super loud out in the hallway. Music, loud voices; stuff like that. And it was after 10 pm, which was the cut off for things like that. I got exasperated and threw on my trench coat over my PJs. She said, “Arielle, be nice.” I stomped out into the hall, but I was fairly nice. She was a good influence on me.

I do remember her face though. It’s the shame, and eyes flickering away from your face. There are a lot of things in this world that cause shame. You can see its mark on people after a while.

This world is so messed up. Does that ever just make you mad? It makes me mad a lot.

Valleys of the Shadow of Death

I was most frightened when his dad called. I was a teenager and scared out of my mind. I felt it was an “all your fault,” even though he said he wanted “my perspective.” I’d been having a lot of disagreements with my guy friend. I was trying to explain why I was feeling hurt by the things he was saying. And I think I was trying to explain my boundaries (he kept crossing them, and then saying he was sorry, and then crossing them again. Then he’d get upset with me for not “letting it go”).

I finally asked him once and for all if he wanted a relationship. He said he’d pray about it. He did, and told me that “God told me not to date you.” I told him to give me some space and he said he would. Two weeks later he texted me, “I miss you.” When I called him about it, that’s when he told me “I wanted to let you know how much you hurt me.” It was hard to feel anything after that, the pain was so severe. It heavily affected how I saw myself and it was the beginning of my depression and insomnia issues.

Honestly? It was very traumatic. His dad calling me was frightening. Just hearing a phone ring nowadays really scares me. Panic attacks.

My parents did not help. They wanted me to “hush.” I learned how to hide when I was scared because of that. I felt I had no shield or protection. My dad did not handle the situation well at all. My mom didn’t either. She downplayed everything and told me it “wasn’t that bad, compared to what other people went through.” No validation. Neither of them meant to make it worse, but they did.

His dad was very arrogant. I felt humiliated, but I kept my head up. I was getting in their son’s way. His mom was always telling me how busy he was, like I was dirt and not a human being. They made me feel very worthless. I got severely hurt. And I isolated myself, because I didn’t feel like people understood.

I also developed a heavy fear of authority figures. That’s been amplified by a lot of jobs I’ve had over the years.

I also distrusted that the people closest to me would protect me. I have a tough time trusting in a man protecting me. Especially when he’s the role of “protector” in my life.

I felt “disbelieved” as well. Why would anyone believe or validate what I felt? He was well-liked. Why would anyone believe me? When I talked about it with a guy friend years later, and he believed me, I cried for hours, and it felt so good. I think that was also after the sexual abuse by another guy friend. So, I had been through severe emotional abuse at that point, and sexual abuse; by two different guys. To be listened to, and believed, and not have the friendship change with my good guy friend; that meant a lot.

After I got sexually abused, my brother remained friends with the abuser for a while. That was really devastating for me. I never felt like he got dealt with. Just a mild slap on the hand. I wanted someone to say, “THAT WAS WRONG AND EVIL AND HOW DARE YOU TREAT HER LIKE THAT. GET AWAY FROM HER.” That’s what I wanted. None of my protectors meant to hurt me, but I did feel like an island.

Churches have to start talking about this sort of thing. There are deep wounds that people don’t even address. How are we supposed to heal if we don’t have people walking alongside us?